This was bad. This was truly really bad. If DiverXO is a peak of culinary creation, StreetXO is smoking a joint in the back alley behind a dingy dive bar. Honestly, I am taking this one to town. Let’s see how far I go.

StreetXO, El Corte Inglés, calle Serrano, 52, 28001

Let’s start with a little introduction. StreetXO is the brainchild of the same chef that created DiverXO and took it to the peak of fine dining. For the record, David Muñoz is currently holding The Best Chef in the World title given to him in the fifth edition of “The Best Chef Awards 2021”. Apparently, he also feels a great passion for Asian food, not only it influences his tasting menus but he opened this – StreetXO – in 2012 to create a more “affordable” dining experience reminiscent of Hong Kong’s wet markets or Singapore’s “food alleys” (beats me too). Ugh, can I tell you upfront that there was nothing Southeast Asian and affordable about this dining experience? *let me roll my eyes ten thousand times*

We start with this “Instagrammable” monstrosity that looked like it was pawned on every unassuming customer. Why? You tell me, I have no clue. Great for the shock value and your Insta? How did I end up with this drink? Well, we have not even sat down properly when our waitress started bombarding us with questions about what drinks we like and what drinks we want. I already had a choice but since she asked me what flavours I am into I started telling her that I prefer a good balance between sweet and… at this point she cut me off and told me that “she knows exactly what I will like”. Umm, OK? Matas did not succumb to such shenanigans, he actually managed to order the drink of his choice.

This “DiverXO Líquido Madrizzzzzz” (€13.50) drink was so cloyingly sweet that I had one sip and that was it. There was no going in for more. Can I tell you what else was in the drink? Definitely ginger, the only other discernible flavour in this madnezzzzzz. Nothing else.

After taking our drink order, the waitress told us we needed at least 5-6 plates to share for the two of us. We are usually skeptical about such proclamations since we do not eat that much in general. We started by ordering two dishes and told her we will order more if we felt like we needed it. The look of utter shock and annoyance on her face was priceless! She was at a loss for words but when she regained her composure we had to listen to a lecture about how we need to order more pronto. OK, so we ordered this ramen and she visibly sighed with relief although she still looked at us like we were crazy.

The menu description of RamenXO (€22) promised two bowls of “foies gras and guinea fowl ramen, BBQ sauce with pickled chilies, black trumpets and steamed egg yolk”. What it actually delivered was none of that. Well, I fished a piece of mushroom, for sure, and there was an egg yolk in the bowl, true. You know what else I fished from being buried under a few strings of ramen noodles? A hair. A HAIR, CARL. And no, do not get me wrong, the hair was not the worst part. We had a long discussion with Matas about what we ate in this TASTELESS bowl of soup and we both agreed that we had fish. FISH. Fish does not a guinea fowl make. And it definitely does not make foie gras. The absurdity of this is truly daunting.

Back to the drinks for a second. My drink (that glass for giants) came out almost instantly after ordering. Matas’s Pibil ibérica (€13.50) came after we already had ramen on the counter and that really took a while. He picked this drink as its description promised a real umami bomb. The only bomb that this cocktail delivered was that Salmorejo bomb on the top of the drink that ended up being the best food we had at this dining establishment?! Like, how? At this point I am already cradling my head in my palm shaking it vigorously with the incredulity of being so easily duped by the restaurant that has a XO attached to it. Why do I do this to us? Well, at least this provides content! Ha!

OK. This is going to be a tough one. I will ask you to close your eyes (well, read this first, then close your eyes) and tell me what comes up in your mind’s eye when you hear “pure avant-garde style”. Surely, something exciting comes up, something diverse, different, provoking, maybe even shocking. Well, this drink is truly shocking in its boring simplicity. Oh oh oh!!! I know, the “pure avant-garde” part is exactly that: duping the silly goose of a customer who expected something extravagant by providing them with something else completely mundane and plain. They got me good, they really got me good. Oh such clever devils them! I gave this drink to Matas and took his pibil thing. At least that had some actual flavour in it.

Once again I find myself looking at a StreetXO food picture facepalming so hard I will make my nose flat with no surgical intervention. I have nothing good to say about this Korean lasagna (€19). To be honest, this one I truly brought upon myself and I have only myself to blame. Read. The. Food. Description. On. The. Menu. For Christ’s sake. If I had, I would have never ordered this in the first place. Can someone translate this to Korean for me: “aged galician beef and wontons, with shiitake mushrooms, pickled spicy marinated tomatoes and cardamom bechamel”. Where? Korea? WHERE? KOREA? We were eating this and, first of all, FLAVOURLESS, and we were asking ourselves what Korean flavours and influences we were supposed to find in this dish. None. Rien. Nothing. Nada. Oh, and those “pickled spicy marinated tomatoes”, you probably meant not pickled, not spicy, definitely not marinated, very fresh haphazardly cut tomatoes? That is more like it.

I have no idea why I even ordered another cocktail. I wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt? Maybe I expected to find a little gem in a bunch of coal? All of these drinks (well, most of these drinks) sounded so exciting on paper. They had so much unrealised potential. Emphasis on had. Emphasis on unrealised. Japo-Jerez (€13.50) sounded like da bomb: smoky soda tea lapsang souchong, shiso, miso, yuzu, sake and palo cortado sherry. I have just one question about this. How can you make a drink this “complex” taste so much like NOTHING? Oh, the cherry on top was when the waiter brought me the drink, took the shrimp skewer and SWISHED IT IN MY DRINK and handed me the stick to eat it. Well, first of all, the menu said “white shrimp sashimi” which I am very glad ended up not being a sashimi at all but a grilled prawn. But still. Let me do my own damn shrimp swishing if I so please. I am not really sure what the swishing added to the drink (maybe that was the miso part) but it really detracted from my already thinning patience for bullcrap.

“La Pedroche” croquettes (€19) was the only dish worth eating out of everything we had. I have nothing more to say. It was really good. Crispy on the outside, gooey on the inside, tasted great. That tuna sashimi on the top was delightful. Did I taste the kimchi or sheep’s milk or lapsang souchong that where supposedly somewhere there in the croquette? No. But at least this dish was not offensively subpar like everything else. What an achievement.

I have to give credit to the staff who promptly changed my overly sweet drink to whatever bland stuff they brought me instead. And for comping hairy ramen and the two drinks. We still had to pay €50 for this dinner and I honestly felt like I was back in Singapore where the food that could not possible be made bland was bland, where the drinks were always too sweet, where the service was lacking and you felt like you overpay for anything and everything all the time. Hey, maybe they did successfully take me to that part of Asia that Singapore occupies. Kudos to them for achieving their primary goal.

I honestly cannot believe StreetXO is a brainchild of David Muñoz. How can you take ASIAN inspired dishes and make them taste like they came from Milton Keynes or better still, No-Flavour-Town, Indiana (I am sorry to my friends from Milton Keynes and Indiana)? Maybe it was good years ago when it first opened up? Although at this moment it feels like they have absolutely no reason to attempt to feign even a slightest interest in actually serving good food. They are so popular they no longer need it. Throngs and throngs of people will show up daily. We started queueing for this dinner at 19:30 (the restaurant opens up at 20:00) and there were already at least 20 people waiting before us. On Tuesday! And when we left at around 21:00, there was still a long queue waiting to be seated. And for what??? Maybe if I had not lived and travelled in Asia and I would only know European flavours I would be impressed or amazed. But really. Would I?

At this point I am glad I have already visited his other, much better, restaurant because if this little review would ever make it to the chef, I am pretty sure yours truly would be banned from entering for life and then some.

0/5 would not recommend. Ieva’s seal of approval is soothing its bruised ego. What did I think coming to a pretend-Asian eatery after actually living in Asia? Silly, silly silly old me.

If this was at least somewhat entertaining, thanks for coming to my TedTalk on how not to serve Asian food. If it was not, I am still probably too bitter to put more lightheartedness in all of this. A waste of time. Of money. Of resources. And valuable stomach real estate. Eat ANYWHERE else. Just do.